An old Blog Post written by Abbey Barnosky:
If you have been following my family or my ministry for a while, you know that we lost our first child through miscarriage. He was born via D&C on July 29, 2013.
Mother’s Day I always think of him as well as his birthday, the day he was due, but also I think of him on a Tuesday, I think of him when I am sad, I think of him when I am happy, Grief doesn’t stick to a schedule. I think of him when his sisters are playing a silly game and wonder what role he would play in the antics. Last night I was playing with my daughters by catapulting rubber frogs at each other. The battle was thick with laughter. I paused a moment to picture one more laugh filling the air.
Grief is a funny thing. And I think many forget, myself included, to talk about those lost babies after healthy babies are born. After all the goal of that pregnancy was a healthy baby, and now you have a healthy baby, right? But what almost any mother or father who has lost a baby in the womb is there is no replacing that baby. There is no, moving on, there is just a growing more love for the children that follow. Nearly every time someone asks me how many kids I have in my heart I say 3 but out loud I say 2. And that stings. I want to share about my son and how proud I am of him. I want to share all that God has done through his short life to help others. But that conversation requires energy and I often times find myself not having that energy.
So what I want to tell the world, or anyone in the world who will read this, is that I have a son. His name is Noah. I love him and miss him everyday. His pregnancy was my fearless pregnancy, my innocent pregnancy. The one that I didn’t wake up every morning fearing I would lose him. He was the child who taught me to be brave, that I have the power to help others, and that motherhood is beautiful even when you want to curl up and cry because it hurts so bad. I don’t feel anything but beauty and aw when I shed tears for my son. Because I never heard his voice, he never gave me a mother’s day card, and never held my hand, but yet I love him as much as I do my daughters. And that is motherhood. We don’t love because of who our children are, we love because they are and so are we.
I love to paint occasionally. I am not very good but I love doing it. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I have tried to paint something to represent my son. I so much wanted to make something beautiful to have as a memorial to my precious baby. I can create all kinds of art! I even sold my creations as a form of income for a while. But I couldn’t manage to make anything close to representing my experience or to be even a lowest level piece of art. And honesty as the years progress I have done less and less art because my life is so full of my ministry.
Today as I was thinking again about how much I wished I could create something to represent Noah and I felt God nudge my heart with images of families I have served. I saw all of their faces and the faces of their children. I saw the magnificent work of art they all are. I saw the tears and heartache. The beauty in the love and even in the pain.
I don’t know if anyone will ever see the collage artwork of my ministry. But I can, and I will look on it often, and it will bring my solace and rejuvenation when needed. The name Noah means “rest” and “comfort”. I will take rest and comfort in the myriad of lives Noah has touched.
I love you my son, my first born, my Noah, because you are.